Seems Sweet
December 2021
My mom and I have a running joke that we’ll become a Hallmark Movie family someday. Hallmark Movie Moms (if they haven’t tragically passed away) must, by law, be One-Woman Christmas Cookie Factories (who want you to get married.)
Why is everyone in Christmas movies obsessed with cookies? Like, the bland sugar cookies with artificially colored frosting? Never in my life have I seen adults so ritualistic about constant sugar consumption as in a holiday film.
“Don’t spoil your appetite, kids!”
“Mom! I’m an adult! I had 3 frosted trees AND black coffee for breakfast!”
“Aww!”
Of course, we’d have to make something tastier for our traditional cookie. So we’re workshopping the cookie part (maybe mint crackles?) and she’s gotta work on acting more like this.
We know all this stuff about Christmas movie tropes because we’ve watched a lot together. You try one because they’re around, and then they suddenly become a beloved holiday tradition. Kind of like sugar cookies.
Grab your treat of choice and enjoy,
Tenley Schwartz
Cookie Taste-Tester & Film Critic
In This Issue:
Reviews of everything my family watched over Christmas vacation
The Best Home Tour I’ve Ever Seen
This is the refined mint crackle cookie to saccharine holiday sugar cookies. My brother Sam shared Rajiv Surendra’s home tour, and it won the contribution jackpot. Family Christmas is the time when the siblings come together and share ridiculous YouTube videos and fill each other in on jokes they’ve collected while apart. (Also for roasting each other, yammering about bad senses of humor, fart jokes, and childhood stories.)
This home tour video, though? Lots of beauty to contemplate. We kept bringing it up, which did not happen with the story about when Sam & JJ ate chili for a week straight.
The Princess Switch 3: Romancing the Star
My dad’s favorite movie genre in my childhood was Sad Sports Movie, which makes it extra delightful to come home and find he’s finished the new Vanessa Hudgens Princess Switch movie before I have. (And that he happily rewatches.)
But maybe not that surprising, seeing that some of the only films my family of 9 agreed to watch regularly were from Vanessa Hudgens’ first trilogy: High School Musical 1-3.
I am a product of the High School Musical cinematic universe. I still harbor a secret hope that I’ll accidentally sing karaoke and discover that I’m an incredible singer. I believe school hallways were made for heartfelt exposition. And yes, of course best friends should both work together and choreograph the talent show together.
This film follows in the same vein: silly, over-the-top, and cheesy romantic arc. You can tell the actors are having fun. My family watched The Princess Switch 3 together. I endorse it.
Christmas Movie So Bad I Literally Did Not Care If They Kissed At The End
With 40 minutes left, the ‘couple’ still hated each other. “They should be at least accidentally flirting right now,” my sister and I agreed. They did not. Then they had an argument at a wedding and the dude left the state. And then flew back, strung photos and twinkle lights in an empty clearing, and…had a stilted conversation about how much he loves the girl. I stood up and left in the middle of their cardboardy reconciliation. I now fully believe in the power of chemistry between couples because of how absent it was in this film.
Christmas Movie Whose Only Innovation Was The Over-30 Love Interests
Oh, and that the woman’s job was podcasting. Everything else was incredibly predictable and I ate it up. There was a flat tire, glass-blown hearts, a fireman’s dance, childbirth (!!!), nosy but loving parents, and of course, Christmas cookies. The couple made weird choices, but at least you could tell they liked each other right away.
Barbie: The Magic of Pegasus
If you’ve never heard a dude in his 20s give a summary of the Barbie cinematic universe, please visit my parents’ home and talk to my brothers. The ranking of Barbie sidekick animals must not be missed.
Personally, I’m into the irredeemable villains with red eyes and green auras. You don’t have to feel sorry for them and their angular cheekbones at all. They’re deliciously evil and deserve every bit of their inevitable banishment.
Ken and Barbie’s stiff repartee confuses me, but their lifelong linkage in pop culture lends undeserved heft to a subpar relationship arc. Points to the filmmakers for focusing on Barbie saving the day, and plopping Ken in as a supporter. They even avoid the cliche engagement/wedding finale.
In case you’re wondering, Barbie movies do pass the Bechdel test. Easily.
Masked Singer
Aka: B-List Celebrity Reunion.
Such a bizarre premise, but how fun would it be to work in costuming on this show?
That’s that! Thanks for reading this year! It’s always a thrill to hit publish and see that you’re following along with my silly stories. May your new year be full of good things.
❤️, Ten
Another great edition!